What is the appropriate amount of grieving?
When I first heard the news, I was more shocked than anything. I was intellectually sad, but emotionally I was mostly numb. At some point I realized that everyone other than me seemed to be distraught and while my numbness had seemed to wear off, I wasn't feeling particularly sad. What does it mean that I am not feeling like everyone else? Is there something wrong with me? Did I not love my mother? We certainly had our issues, but I cared for her. Why the disparity?
I talked to my wife about this, and she said I was being silly. I loved my mother, and there is nothing wrong with me. Judging your emotions is a bad idea, and not everyone is on the same schedule. She was right, I cut myself a little slack, and the emotions came. Especially during the actual funeral. Holy shit was that brutal. It was actually good though in a way. It was exhausting, but it was a way to get the emotions out around plenty of people for support. And it was great to share stories with people.
Now that I've returned to my regular life for about a week, things are mostly back to normal. My everyday life is pretty far removed from my parents, so the whole episode is rarely in the forefront of my mind. I do randomly have an impulse (such as "my mom would love this, I should call her about it") which is always a bit of a bummer.
What do you say to someone who is grieving?
When I got past the shock and disbelief of losing my mother, my concern went right to my dad who just lost his wife of roughly 40 years. My dad much used my mom for motivation for pretty everything he did. He loved tinkering around the house and in the yard, but even when he was just screwing around with his own little hobbies, he always had an eye out for things that my mom would like. Losing her would be absolutely devastating for him. What the hell do I say to my dad in this situation? How can I make things better?
Of course, I was on the other side of this a lot in the following week. My friends and family were searching for things to say to me to, many of them said things like "I just don't know what to say" just as I had to my father. Here's the thing, there is nothing to say. Nothing will fix things, no words will really make things better. However, the simple fact that people want to help and are searching for things to say is nice. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is good. Many people also offered to help in any way they could. "If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to call me", that's also nice, and I did take a few people up on that as did my dad. Another thing that a lot of people did that was really nice was to drop by food and drink. It's nice to not have to worry about grocery shopping during all of the craziness, and it also gives people an excuse to drop in and just hang out with us for a few minutes.
She's with God now
There is one thing that I heard a lot, in many variations from many different people "God must need her in heaven". Many atheists take offense to these statements but I obviously didn't as very few people in my family know I'm an atheist. But I'm not sure it would bother me even if they did, everyone is trying to cope. And as I said, it is hard to know what to say, in fact at the beginning of the trip I found myself wishing that I could have said such a thing to my father. I never did of course, but it seemed like it would have been nice.
But would it really? As I was watching so many people say these types of things, I was wondering if such words really help, and I don't think it did. Nobody seemed to be comforted by these words any more than they are comforted by anything else. People nodded and said "thank you" as they would have to "I'm sorry for your loss", but it doesn't make things better.
One angle I see a lot of atheists take with this type of thing is to submit it as evidence that they don't really believe what they are saying. It's not terribly uncommon to hear "If they really thought she was in heaven they'd be happy about her dying." I've nodded along to this before without thinking about it too hard in the past, but now I'm not so sure. Consider this analogy.
Suppose you were a really poor person in a really poor country. You have a wife and family that you love and your life is good given the conditions, even though you long for the better life. Suddenly some rich person swoops down to your village and says they will take one of your loved ones to live in a rich country in a mansion. They will be living the good life. You can come too, but you have to wait 5 years.In this situation, you are going to be happy for them, but you are still going to be sad they are gone. You will look forward to the reunion and being able to join them in the good life, but nevertheless, you will be sad for the time you have to spend apart. Furthermore, just observing my extended family, they really believe what they are saying.
Anyway. I should get back to a somewhat normal posting schedule starting next week.
My condolances. I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. What can your readers do to give you comfort?
ReplyDeleteReally sorry to hear about your mom. The expected ones are hard enough; the unexpected ones are a real kick in the teeth. It is good to hear that you are getting back to your routine.
ReplyDeleteYour experience of comparing how you are feeling inside with how those around you are acting on the outside is one of the things I've always despised about funerals. I've felt this way during every one I've been to. Like you said, we all do grief differently and just because we aren't sobbing the whole time doesn't mean we aren't feeling. I tend to beat myself up over that far too often, so it is good to hear that you caught it and didn't go down that road.
I've learned over the years that I don't respond to situations emotionally like most people, I've learned to accept that, but it baffles people sometimes.
DeleteI don't wear my emotions on my sleeves like many people, and it takes me longer to read people's emotions and react.
I had thought you were just busy with your wife and son, like you said....
ReplyDeleteI second Ahab's comment, is there anything we can do at this time, like guest post for you if you feel you need more time away from the blog?
I'm sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteMany years ago, a woman who had become a sort of second mother to me died. I remember beating myself up for not mourning the same way everyone else was clearly in mourning. Indeed, we all do mourn in different ways.
I think you've got a pretty healthy outlook, though. Good example about the poor/rich analogy.
Thanks for the kind words guys. I don't think there's anything you guys can do to help me out, but the fact that you want to is nice :) Guest posts are the only thing that I can imagine working, but since I've taken a few weeks off I have a few ideas percolating. And I do find writing therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know that several of you have had that same feeling of "why am I not mourning enough". After the situation had passed, I vaguely remembered reading other people express similar thoughts in the past. A big part of the reason I wanted to write this post is to get that message out there yet again. It seems to be a common thought for people in this situation, and it is quite painful. Perhaps if someone reads that I had the experience and the handful of you who did as well, they won't beat themselves up so much if it happens to them.
With respect to the expected/unexpected thing, even that is a mixed bag. It is of course a huge shock, I still can't believe it sometimes. But this way she didn't have to suffer very much. I talked to my dad about the doctor's report today, apparently she died within minutes of having a heart attack. As shitty as it is, it seems significantly better than an extended battle with cancer. Or, one of my aunt's works in a nursing home, she deals with people who have dementia on a daily basis, my mom never had to deal with anything like that. It's a bit of a thin silver lining, but it is something to hold on to.
Condolences to you and your family for your loss. I don't think anything can prepare one for the loss of a beloved parent no matter how old you are or whether it's sudden are painfully drawn out. I have found that almost everyone has their own personal way of grieving and finding a path that works for you is the way to go. Staying busy worked for me and I'm sure your new son can provide a lot of diversion.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anna. And I think you are right, having it more drawn out would have made it less of a shock, but I'm sure it would have still been quite hard.
DeleteThat sucks, Haus. Sometimes things can happen so fast. That last part is completely true about missing someone whether or not you expect they'll continue to live on in some spiritual space. At the very least, the lessons she taught and the memories she gave will live on with you and the rest of her family and friends.
ReplyDeletethe memories are great. The wake and funeral stuff were extremely draining, but it was neat to talk to people. So many people came out and shared stories about her.
DeleteMy condolences, hope you can transition through the grief easily. It takes time, but life eventually carries on. Keep well.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your mother, I know how tough that can be. My father died about 8 years ago, he had kept the fact that he was sick from everyone because he didn't want anyone to worry, he had refused treatment for his cancer and when he was finally too sick to hide it anymore, he was stage 4 and lived another week before dying. It kind of came as a shock to everyone, especially when things started coming out at the funeral about the lengths he went to in order to keep it a secret.
ReplyDeleteLife does go on though, I wish you and your family the very best.
I've actually thought about that myself. If I got cancer I'm not sure I'd want it to be treated, as it can be painful, expensive, and depending on the type of cancer, ineffective. Although hiding the whole thing seems like a poor way to handle things, I can sorta see where he's coming from.
DeleteActually, in his case, he was hiding the fact that he was smoking from everyone, had he admitted he had cancer, that would have come out. I agree, it's a poor way to handle things, but to each their own, I guess.
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