I have been thinking about death a fair bit lately and I realized that I no longer have a fear of death. I used to be terrified of dying, when I realized I haven't had that kind of fear in a long time it was a bit of a surprise to me. I have been trying to analyze the possible reasons for this and the only real credible one I can think of is my lack of religion.
When I was a kid, we spent a lot of time talking about heaven and hell. Good people go to heaven and experience eternal bliss and bad people go to hell an get tortured for eternity. We were the right religion, we believed in God, we let Jesus into our hearts, so we were going to heaven. I believed these things, so one would think that I would be comfortable with death, but I was not.
The other side of this coin is that bad people go to hell. When my church talked about how bad hell is, they usually focused on rapists and murderers, people who it is easy to accept that they are getting justice. On the other hand, during other times, the pastors would talk about how we are all sinners and all deserve to go to hell. But through the grace of God, we get to go to heaven anyway when we accept Jesus.
So I have this rolling around in my head. I have been told that I deserve to burn in hell forever. I am a bad person. There is a loophole that lets me get into heaven anyway, but the message is there, I am a bad person and I deserve to be tortured. I lived in a fairly strong cultural bubble growing up, but I was vaguely aware that there are other religions with other rules out there. What if our version of Christianity is the wrong one? What if what we are doing to get into heaven isn't quite right? What if I die and wind up in hell? I don't think these questions were ever fully formed in my mind, but the ideas were there under the surface.
I think my fear of death was always really a fear of hell. Now that I don't believe in hell, there is no reason to be afraid of death. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, I'd like to live as long as possible. And I am not looking forward to the process of dying, many ways of dying can be very slow and painful. But in comparison to being tortured forever, there is nothing to be afraid of.
I don't fear death, but I'm not faced with death. If I'm honest with myself, I will probably fear death when I know that I will die soon. Maybe fear isn't the right word, because I know nothing bad awaits me after death, but I don't know what other word to use. I like living, and until I don't have anything else to live for, I will fear death on some level.
ReplyDeleteThat is a really good point, chances are I wont face death for quite a while. I'm relatively young and healthy. I wonder how things would be different if I were in my 80s instead of my 30s, or if I had cancer or something.
DeleteEven after I lost my faith I was still worried about what would happen after death. I think I got a lot of solace from a quote along the lines of after your death you will be in the same state as you were a hundred years ago. You won't even be aware of it. I wish I could remember who said it. About three summers ago, while crossing on a crosswalk a friend of mine and I got hit by a car going pretty fast. A lot goes through your mind when it strikes you that you are probably going to die. Looking back, I am really surprised at how calm my mental state was. One of the things that went through my mind is "well, I guess this is it." Maybe its because I feel like I've lead a fairly decent life. I think it was Carl Sagan who made me appreciate the gift of life we get and how lucky we are to be here. He pointed out that the billions of years our universe has been around and with how big it is, it's really an amazing thing that we get some time to experience life on this small planet.
ReplyDeleteLike you, when I first lost my faith I was terrified of death and going to hell. There were actually periods of time when I left the religion but wasn't really an atheist yet when I just figured I was going to hell. Those were some pretty dark times. I think I just got used to it and shoved it into the back of my mind. That was so surprised the other day when I realized I don't fear death any more. I hadn't really thought about it in years.
DeleteThat is really scary about that car accident. I'm glad you're still with us
That was a rough thing to get over for me as well. No longer feeling like this life isn't the only shot we've got. It took me over a decade to finally feel better about the truth. It just makes our time here exponentially more special and important.
DeleteFear is an interesting word to use here. When I walked away from religion, like you, my fear of death seemed to diminish greatly. However, I am in no rush to die. I think that when I face death, it will be with a sadness rather than fear. A sadness that I will no longer be here, a sadness that comes from knowing the pain my death will bring to my loved ones.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can do now is to make sure that I get the most out of my time here. Knowing that there is no heaven/hell...I do not want many regrets when my time comes.
I love the way you put that. I can honestly say I don't fear death, but it is not that I simply feel nothing. I think sadness is pretty accurate.
Delete"I think my fear of death was always really a fear of hell. Now that I don't believe in hell, there is no reason to be afraid of death. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, I'd like to live as long as possible. And I am not looking forward to the process of dying, many ways of dying can be very slow and painful. But in comparison to being tortured forever, there is nothing to be afraid of."
ReplyDelete+1.
=David Schell
Losing that fear of the afterlife has also helped me not fear death. It's strangely also helped me in coming to terms with the deaths of others in my life. My uncle actually died yesterday and though its hard and I'm really going to miss him I know that he's not suffering anymore. He had Alzheimer's the last few years and was no longer himself. I'd like to think he was in heaven or some other nonsensical eternal happy place but I'd rather just know the truth and be able to deal with that.
ReplyDeleteThat really sucks about your uncle :( I'm glad you are dealing with it ok though. It's true that you don't have the comfort of thinking he is in heaven, but you also don't have the fear of him being in hell. I think most people don't really face that fear head on, but it is somewhere in the back of their minds. That makes it more insidious. I'm very glad to not have that stuck in my brain.
DeleteHausdorff, I saw what you wrote on Sunstone's Cafe so I came here to see what you wrote here on fear of death. As so many who were raised with a fear of going to hell, and eventually giving up the religion, it also caused a quandary as to what to should expect when we die if I know longer believe in heaven or hell.
ReplyDeleteAs a young child, a cousin and I had an experience of seeing a "spirit" like so many others have professed to have had. We kept it a secret because we didn't think anyone would believe us, and it almost drove me insane when the cousin died in his Marine jet 20 years later.
I still don't know how to explain it but it gives me assurance there is another realm out there somewhere. I don't think any of us who are not in pain can honestly say we don't somewhat fear the moment of our death having seen how permanent that is when our loved ones pass on. The "spirit" was a good guy and it gives me faith there might be something more to look forward to than eternal oblivion.
Anna Maria,
DeleteThanks for stopping by :) You make a very good point that things change when you are really faced with death. I'm definitely in a better spot than I used to be in that my standard background fear of death is gone, but if I am ever really faced with death (through myself or a close loved one) I can only guess how I will feel at that point.
As to the spirit you saw as a child, I don't think there's any way we can truly know what it was, but I would tend to believe it was a child's imagination more than anything. Perhaps when you and your cousin talked about it the memories were reinforced as a spirit, our memories are more malleable than we like to think. But who knows, maybe that is just me stubbornly not believing in ghosts :)
Hausdorff...I understand your skepticism about "spirits." I have mine also...but not about the one we witnessed. We rarely talked about it after the evening it happened...he did bring it up the last time I saw him on Christmas day, 1956, but I was reluctant to go back there, happy with my life as it was.
DeleteHe joined the Marines, became a pilot, and served two tours flying Medevac helicopters in and out of the jungles receiving 20 air medals. Then he died the first time he went back in a jet after his return. I cratered and ended up in a shrinks office blurting out the story for the first time to anyone else. Doc decided to administer truth serum right then and there and I convinced him. I have no idea what any of it was all about but as I said...it gives me comfort when I think of death.That is worth a lot.
That's so sad :( at least it sounds like he helped a lot of people during the time of his service. That is pretty awesome.
DeleteAs for the truth serum, that would only prove that you believed it, not so much that it really happened that way. By the way, do you know what kind of truth serum was used? I have never heard of it being used in a therapists office like that, sounds interesting.
I believe it was sodium pentothal. My sister was a nurse there and would probably know. I do know they treated severe depression differently in 1967 than they do now...but he did heal me rather quickly with his "radical" treatment so I have no regrets and never had another severe episode. The next time I got depressed over what I couldn't understand...I wrote a memoir and had it published. Upset a few folks but it cured me. :D
DeleteReally interesting. The really important thing is that you got better, glad his radial treatment worked for you :)
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